[The Brit's Blog]
My autobiography ( a work in progress)After ( a short story)
2007-03-14
I loved him... I really did. He told me he loved me too. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never meant for this to happen. I still love him. I really do. But he needed to be punished for what he had done to me. He was a wonderful person. He really was. He just made a dreadful mistake. And everyone has to pay for their sins. That's all this was. The settling of a debt. I really did love him. But he lied to me. So he paid. I put him to rest. He can no longer lie. To me or anyone else. Oh, how much I really do love him. And I'll miss him tremendously. Yes, I put him to rest.
I came to him cloaked in night. I knocked gently on his window. As though I had a little schoolgirl crush. I quietly tapped on his bedroom window, as not to wake his sleeping mother and father. They need not be punished. They did nothing wrong. They shouldn't be made to watch. Then, he, not knowing my intentions, came to the window. When he saw it was I standing there, he quietly opened his window. He asked me what was wrong. I had never come to his window at midnight. I told him I just needed to see him. I climbed through the window into his room. It was dark. But I knew his room well. Many times I had been in his room. How many good memories in that room. All the wonderful times we had. Too bad he screwed up. It was so good, what we had. But he lied. He had to recompense with his life. Yes, I murdered the fool. Had he never lied to me, I wouldn't have had to. There is a consequence for everything. I still don't understand why he lied to me. All I ever did was give him all of my heart and devote all my time to him. And he betrayed me. That was why I sat there on his bed in the dark. That's why I was carrying a knife, unbeknown to him. He sat down beside me and rubbed his eyes. He looked at me, questioning why I was here. I leaned over and gave him a hug. I held him close. So close I couldn't find where I ended and he began. I love him still so much. I looked into his eyes. A beautiful mixture of green, brown and gold swirled around his pupil. I told him how much I loved him. How much he really meant to me. Then I told him how much I was hurt by his lies. He denied ever lying to me. He said that he loved me. That he would never lie to me. But I know he lied to me. I question whether he ever loved me. If maybe everything he ever said was a lie. As I was looking in those eyes, I could see all the dishonesty held within. I held him at arm length and told him I was sorry. He looked at me puzzled, "Sorry for what?"
"Sorry I have to do this" I answered him. Withdrawing the knife that was in my pants pocket. The look upon his face was one of horror and confusion.
"D-do what?" he stammered when he saw the knife in my hand.
"Everyone must pay for their sins," I told him. I held the point of the knife to his chest above his heart. I traced words across his chest. I traced "love" and "trust" and "revenge". I traced "hate" and "pain". The look of terror on his face was so satisfying.
"W-what are you t-talking about?" his fear showing in his voice.
"I'm talking about the deception uttered from your mouth."
"I never lied to you."
"Yes you did. I found you out. I know your sins. And now is the time for you to pay for them." I gently pushed the point of the knife into his chest and he began to whimper.
"Please don't do this. I love you. I'll never lie to you again. I'm so sorry. Please...forgive me...I love you...I really do...Babe?"
"It will all be okay soon. I promise." I drew the blade down his chest watching the blood pour from the wound I had created. I lifted the knife and repeated this all the way across his chest. Then I leaned toward him and whispered in his ear "go stand in front of the mirror."
He slowly got up and went to the full-length mirror hanging on his door. He saw carved in his chest, "LIAR", and blood pouring from the cuts. I could feel him shaking with fear against me. I was holding the blade to his neck. I pressed it into his skin when he winced and tried to look away. I wanted him to see what he was to me. A liar. A traitor. Someone who was selfish. Someone who would sacrifice the feelings of another for their own convenience. This was all that he had become to me. This was why I had grown to hate him so much. Because he was self-centered.
I wish I hadn't caught him in this lie, then I would not have had to kill him. But, he lied and had to be punished for this sin. As I held the blade to his throat I whispered in his ear everything I had never said but always wanted to. "I love you so much. I want you there all the time. Sometimes, when I'm all alone, I have to look over my shoulder to see if you're there. And every time I look over my shoulder and you aren't there, I want to cry because I miss you. Every time I hear there is a wreck or some other fatal disaster I have to call to make sure you are okay. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. Everything would seem so empty and hollow. Absolutely meaningless without you here. The day I met you was one of the greatest moments of my pathetic life. I always thought you were my prince charming. You were my superman. The man in the moon who would rescue me... my non-existent hero. The one I've searched for my whole life. I love with a love unknown to most. And no matter how hard you look, I can guarantee you will never find another human being who will love you as completely and as deeply as I have." These were the things I was always too scared to say. But now I knew he would take in and consider every one of my words. A wave of emotions swept over me. A mixture of closure, relief, release, and even a little sorrow. For now that I had told him these things that were the hardest for me to say, there wasn't much left for me to do. I turned him around and kissed him sweetly. The last warm kiss from me to him. He gave in. indulging in guilty pleasure. For he was kissing me, his soon to be murderer. This was a Judas kiss if there ever was one. I say this because while we were still kissing (what a fatal kiss) I took the knife and stabbed him in the back. He had stabbed me in the back, I was just returning the favor. He pulled back after the first injury and questioned me with his eyes. He could not run because he was in total shock. He just stood there stunned with pain and horror. I embraced him and stabbed him twice more. Three times I stabbed him in the back. Three is the number that represents completeness. I shoved him against the mirror hard enough to crack it. But only a crack. I was still for a moment listening for his parents. I heard no sound so I went back to work. He was doubled over on the floor against the door. I looked at him and sneered. I told him if he had never lied we'd all still be happy and none of this would happen. But he lied and everything must happen. Seeing him there so weak gave me a tremendous rush. I felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins. He looked up at me, his face filled with agony. I knelt down and caressed his face. "I still do love you, " I told him. Then I drove the knife into his heart. He coughed and choked out a few last words. I heard him ask "why?". I answered with only a smile. I heard him say, "I love you," and felt a short, horrible wave of sadness. Sadness for all the great times we had. The whole last summer was so wonderful. Going to the movies and to church. Going up to the lake and going out on the boat. All the fun stuff we did. And now all those things are just memories. There will never be another chance to have all that again. Sadness for all that was lost. Sadness because I would never hear those words from him again. But this wave of sadness was extremely brief and I was once again wallowing in my hatred. Once again I was feeling all the adrenaline running through my veins. I watched him inhale a straggled breath and exhale his last. A satisfaction was manifested somewhere deep within. I looked down and saw him laying there his head lopped to the side, his eyes glassy and his cheeks stained with tears. I felt the knife in my hand and I could smell his blood in the air. I saw his body lying there and suddenly I wanted him back. Remorse flooded my thoughts. I dropped to my knees and took his clammy hand in mine. If someone had walked in at that moment they would have thought I were clinging to it for dear life. I looked at his face. Completely relaxed in an eternal sleep. I looked into his eyes. His beautiful eyes. His eyes that in those last moments held so much confusion and dread. His eyes that were now glazed over with death. I kissed his lips gently. I felt no breathe and realized what I had done exactly. I had stolen away his life over a stupid mistake. I suddenly missed the dishonest fool. I killed someone I loved. I laid my head on his chest in a desperate attempt to find a life-sustaining heartbeat. But that was something I could not find. If someone had stumbled upon us, they would have discovered an odd scene. Here was this seemingly normal girl holding the hand of her dead boyfriend who had been stabbed to death. She was laying her head on his bloodied chest and had a couple of tears sliding down her face. They would have seen a knife in her hand covered on blood. They would have been horrorstruck.
I cried that life-altering night. I felt his body grow cold, yet I still clung to the hope that somehow he was still alive. That next morning his mother came to wake him up for church. She opened the door and discovered the horrific scene. She screamed. It was a very surreal moment. His mother looking at me screaming hysterically. His father rushed to her side and ran to get the phone and call the police. I just laid there, my head on his bloodied silent chest, holding his cold hand, and trembled. I was arrested. Everything has been a blur since then. Even now everything is a blur. The only clear thing to me is the fact that I loved a liar with all of my heart and soul.
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