[The Brit's Blog]
My autobiography ( a work in progress)My Weekend
2007-04-30
this weekend chris and i were interviewing local talent for a web-based show. to check it out go to www.seentertainment.net. anyway. i was supposed to interview one of the biggest local rock bands, but they didn't show up. oh well. at least i got to interview one movie cast and hang out with my friends. anyway. so yeah. afterward chris and i went to his house and we went swimming. i got a nice little sunburn. it'll turn into a tan. so that'll be great. that was yesterday. so saturday i went to the mall with my bestest friend and that was nice because she and i have spent much time together in the past year. so yeah. anyway. so......while i was at the mall with shelly, chris was at mimi's building a dog house for Izzie. i decided she needed to go outside because she kept using the bathroom on my floor even though i took her outside about every two hours. so yeah. she's outside now. but she's happier now. anyway. chris and i had a good weekend. yay. well laterI got a puppy!!!!
2007-04-25
Two days ago my brother told me that Hemi died. He wouldn't eat anymore and starved. We are probably going to bury him today. He died Sunday. We are goind to bury him in a model engine box. It's appropriate. I'm sad for Hemi... but I kinda saw it coming.
Yesterday when I got home I called Chris and the first thing he did was ask me if I wanted a puppy. I said yes and asked Mimi if I could have one. She said yes. So I have a puppy. She's a Beagle and Bird Dog mix. She's sooo cute. Her name is Izzie. She is staying in my room for a little while beccause she's only six weeks old and I don't feel comfortable leaving her outside yet. But in about a month I will. She slept in the bed with me last night. She's so adorable. I've never had a dog before... so I'm really excited. Well Chris is coming over today after work and we are going to give her a bath. That should be fun! I can't wait to get home so I can play with her!!
sadness
2007-04-24
last night chris found some papers from when he was going to therapy. they gave his diagnosis. he was like 12 then. he was diagnosed as bipolar, and adhd. they said that he was immature for his age. he said he always felt that way. he got really depressed. i told him that a diagnosis isn't a sentence. it doesn' t mean he that way and nothing can be done about it. i also told him that to diagnose any adolescent with a personality or mood disorder is stupid because hormones are still balancing out and causes all kinds of mood changes and personality quirks. i told him not to get depressed about it. he kept apologizing. i told him it was fine. everyone has problems.
about four months ago i started wondering if he was manic depressive. because he has extremes... and little to no middle ground. everything is black and white with him. and lately mostly black. but i didn't come out and say anything what would be the point?
anyway i told him that when we started dating i told him i had problems. i kinda figured he did too. (who doesn't) but i still love him. i think he felt a little better. but he still was pretty upset. i told him usually teens grow out of disorders like that.
i mean two years ago i was diagnosed as "severely depressed with psychotic features and anxiety" but i'm not like that now. and if i didn't tell him he would have never known. i'll admit i do still have anxiety problems. but look at the world...and look at my life... who wouldn't. i think having an anxiety problem and it being pretty much the only serious thing is pretty damn good for me. but anyway. back to chris. i hope he doesn't let this discourage him. i hope that he doesn't get it in his head that he can't just lead a normal life. that he's broken and can't be fixed or anything else along those lines.
some good news
2007-04-23
saturday we were filming again. it was fun. then sunday i got to see my bestest friend for a couple hours. and then chris and i went with some other friends and played putt putt. oh and chris and i went out to eat. it was nice. i had steak. yes!! anyway. i had a good weekend.Compassion Fatigue
2007-04-23
You're Compassion Fatigue!
by Susan Moeller
You used to care, but now it's just getting too difficult. You cared
about the plight of people in lands near and far, but now the media has bombarded you
with images of suffering to the point that you just don't have the energy to go on.
You've become cold and heartless, as though you'd lived in New York City for a year or
so. But you stand as a serious example to all others that they should turn off their TV
sets and start caring again.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
more reason
2007-04-23
i have one more reason to dislike my mother.i called home from school. i was having chest pain/upper abdominal pain and difficulty breathing. and something that feels like maybe heartburn. i've been getting episodes of that for like the past five years. but somehow, my mother doesn't seem to remember this and just says i'm a hypochondriac. she also said that when i told her i thought i had scoliosis. i do and if she had gotten me checked for it when i voiced my concerned, instead of brushing it off, i could've worn a back brace just for a short time and it would have straightened my spine. but by the time she finally believed me(i was trying on bras with her in the dressing room) it was too late for anything to be done. go mom. so i would think she might start believing me now... but she doesn't. i know it may just be an anxiety attack, but that's not the point. when i called home she just said that i always seem to have some reason to leave school, at least once a week. that's not true. she said for the past month. i went home last week because i had a bad migrane. i couldn't focus on my schoolwork, so i went home. earlier, i was having trouble breathing. i do know if i sleep for like an hour, i usually wake up and i don't have any tightness or pain in my chest. but whatever. she said if i was fine enough to go play putt-putt with my friends yesterday, then i should be fine. how i feel today really had nothing to do with how i did yesterday. but whatever.
yay
2007-04-20
well. i do believe that your prayers helped. thanks so much. my problems haven't neccesarily been solved... but definitly lessened. so anyway.i never posted anything really about my mothers wedding. it was nice. it was a small thing. and not very many people showed up. but in the end mom and heath were happy so i guess that's what matters. it was so stressful...it better have been worth it. lol. anyway that's all.
please
2007-04-19
i'm having problems on top of problems right now. i don't want to go into detail. i'm just asking for prayers.new pics
2007-04-17
well.. they aren't exactlly new. but i just post them here. they are form like 2 years ago. but check them out. :)My Kitten
2007-04-16
I had a cat named Matrix. she had a litter in the back of chris's truck. we didn't know this. he went to his grandparents house and heard kittens mewing in the back of his truck. we he looked Matrix freaked out and ran up a tree. when she finally came down she ran in the road and was killed. that was about a month ago. we took the kittens to my mother. she fed them and she has another female cat who she talked into helping her groom them. only one survived. that's Hemi. my baby. he's four weeks old and looks two weeks old. well... my mother, in her excitement about her wedding and honeymoon, forgot about poor Hemi. luckily chris and i stopped by to tell them to have fun on their honeymoon. we asked who was taking care of Hemi and Heath said he didn't know. turned out they forgot. so we got his milk and took him with us. well... i spent the night with chris saturday night, so i asked my grandmother to please feed him in the morning before she went to church. when i got home yesterday, my little sister told me that Hemi was dying. Mimi had forgotten to feed him. she didn't remember until 4pm. i was so mad. so last night i stayed up all night trying to bring Hemi back from the brink of death. they had brought Dinah... the other cat... over to clean him and make him use the bathroom. but Dinah was nervous because my grandma has a cat and they didn't get along. finally though she calmed down and started grooming Hemi. he looked so pitiful. he could barely meow. and couldn't hold his head up. he was barely breathing, and his heartbeat was so faint. i cried. but i brought him and Dinah back to my bedroom and brought his milk back there. i tried to feed him...though he wouldn't really eat. and i kept encouraging Dinah to clean him. i went to sleep for an hour. when i woke up i checked on Hemi. he was so cold i thought he had died. but when i picked him up he let out a weak cry, so i knew he was alive. i put my heater on my bed, wrapped him up in a blanket in front of it, and pressed him to my body to warm him. i rubbed his belly and his limbs to warm him too. after awhile he started moving around more and meowing louder. i tried to feed him and got him to eat a little bit. about 4:45 am i felt he was doing well enough for me to sleep. i did until... 6 am. when i woke up Hemi looked so much healthier. i was so incredibly happy. but, needless to say, i was still completely exhausted this morning. so i stayed home today and slept for awhile. i'm pretty sure that Hemi is going to be just fine. 
Check it out.
2007-04-16
the movie i'm playing in is called Blood Moon Rising. If any of you would like to check it out here's a link for you to check out
http://www.filmstudio187.com/bloodmoonrising.htm
we are still filming. and having lots of fun doing it.
Bloodlust
2007-04-13
Bloodlust
Lusting for the metallic sweetness
This craving I cannot control
It catches me off gaurd
It's a craving deep in my soul
Awaiting your bloody kiss
No bitterness in the pain
Lusting for the metallic sweetness
This craving is so hard to contain
August 12,2004
Shatter Your Dreams
2007-04-13
Shatter Your DreamsThe man in the moon
Ain't savin' you tonight
And Superman
Can't destroy your kryptonite
There's no Prince Charming
To carry you off to paradise
There's no Mr.Right
To promise you a better life
So you're stuck here
Just staring at the night sky
Searching for your non-existant hero
And wondering why
June 15, 2004
Unwanted
2007-04-13
Unwanted
I was your mistake
I'm the result
Of a bad decision made
It's not my fault
I feel your disgust
When you can't look
In your eyes or mine
It hurts so deeply
I feel so unwanted
I'm sure that you wish
I had never been here
So you try to ignore my existance
Why do you do this to me?
Hurt me?
Try to make me into
What you should have been.
May 2004
this is to my mother dearest.
My First Poem
2007-04-13
Now, i wrote this poem when i was in 5th grade. i was 10 years old then. i was sitting in class done with my work and daydreaming and it popped in my head.
Today
Today is very gloomy
The sky is whitish-grey
As the rain falls lightly
I look around in dismay
Now the rainclouds part
And I go out to play
March 2000
Date with Danger
2007-04-13
Date With Danger
I've a date with danger tonight
We'll be going to the edge of an abyss
From there we'll take flight
Flying with wings unseen by your sight
I'll evanese to another state of mind
One that I've searched an eternity to find
As we soar beneath the starless sky
Severing all ties that bind
Escaping the reality of death
As I plummet toward the earth
Escaping the reality of death
As I consider my rebirth
Our last moments together
Danger and I
And here I am trying desprately to fly
Although I will soon inevitably, die
With wings of silver vapor
Discovered in the morning light
Now I ascend
A majestic creature in flight
2003
Abandoned
2007-04-13
AbandonedI'm looking for something
I'm trying to find
I'm slipping away
To another state of mind
They're coming to find me
I'm running away
I run through the door
Suddenly I'm a child at play
I'm pigtails and pink
Just having fun
Innocent and blind
To all the horror to come
Everything is so beautiful
Barbie and Ken are still in love
I turn my face upward
As the sky darkens above
Lightening strikes
Now I'm all alone
And somewhere in the distance
I hear a mournful moan
I look all around me
Searching for someone
I sit down patiently
And wait for mommy to come
Salty tears fall
From the blackened sky
The drops splash my face
Joining the tears from my eyes
I realize no one is coming
That nobody cares
I realize I'm all alone
That no one is there
November 2003
Hope
2007-04-13
HopeHope is just a word
To make you think there is a cure
Just so you feel reassured
That everything\'s alright
Hope is just as hopeless
As the rest of us have been
All strung out on our broken dreams
All so wearied, worn and thin
So take your lie of hope
And feed it to someone else
Because your hope is not that pretty
And your bullshit kinda smells
Hope is tried but rarely true
Hope is too good for me or you
Hope is nothing and yet so cruel
Your hope is such a bitch
Detached
2007-04-12
today, about an hour ago... i noticed that at school i'm more on the outside than i ever was before. this whole year i've been more detached from the crowds. last year i talked to everyone, all the time, everyday. i was up on all the lastest gossip and i had more friends than i knew what to do with. this year though... it's alot different. i mean i still talk to everyone, but it's only once in awhile. except my closest friends. and it's strange.. i didn't feel that detachment until today. i told my lit teacher that i realized that today, and she said she's noticed it too. it's nothing bad...just something that's happened. but i guess it's for the best in the end... because after graduation, we're all going different ways anyway. so it'll be less disappointing i guess. anyway... i can't wait for graduation. i won't have to walk around school feeling like i should be somewhere else. doing something i feel is more useful.About my poetry
2007-04-11
lately i've been going through my old poetry. i have like 5 compostion books of poetry since 2003. that's quite a bit. anyway. and i noticed something. just from my poetry anyone could pretty much figure my life for the past four years. it's so easy.... but anyway.
i write poetry to get things out of my head and to let out pain and anger. because... i hold things in for awhile. until it's physically causing me pain. my stomach hurts, my chest hurts, and my hands hurt. it feels like i'm physically holding something inside. anyway... then i write a poem or two and it's like pressure being released. it's such an amazing feeling.
i started my poetry notebooks in 2003, when i was in eigth grade. but i really started writing poems when i was in fifth grade. 1999. that was awhile ago. i remember one of my teachers were amazed at the language i used and how i used it. she was also amazed at the rythm and flow of the poems. when she would praise my poetry it encouraged me to write more.
i've been writing poetry for eight years now. i've probably written upwards of 200 poems. i've never been able to count them all because some have been lost. but i am eventually get together all of my best poems and try to get the collection published. i may throw in a few of the short stories i've written as well. wish me luck!
M.I.A.
2007-04-11
these things in my head
they try to escape
they can't find their way
out;eyes and ears
ringing, stinging
all these things bringing
me down
no sound
besides the obliteration
of joy of pain
the sound of rain
washing away everything
good or bad
all that was had
lost
all that was wanted
gone
missing in action
feelings fading away
nothing left to say
gone numb
emotions m.i.a.
Brit G. April 22, 2005
Something Untitiled
2007-04-11
January 7, 2004
Sadness;
It's welling up inside
Anger;
The boiling rage I try to hide
Speaking questions
Hearing lies
Telling this Godforsaken
Goodbye
Feeling so helpless
Senseless
Defenseless
Try to pick up the peices
I just keep breaking more
Try to hold it altogther
When I'm so unstable;unsure
Please reassure me
Make me happy
Brit G.
Victim of Myself
2007-04-11
I am broken
will you fix m
or will you leave me lying here
I'm a victim of myself
my anger and my hate
why am i my own enemy
drowning in the tears
shed for all the years
when I pushed everyone away
and cried that I was lonely
and now I'm tearing down the walls
built to protect me from the world
and funny
all along
I was running from myself
yet I was trapped inside the shell
that i myself had built
funny how it all works out
it's so ironic
and looking back now
you'd always helped me
you tried to fix me
but I just hurt myself again
I'm a victim of myself
the self-pity and self-loathing
self-mutilation
I'm overcoming
I wish I'd learned this long ago
Brit G. Dec 9, 2004
Lonely Soul
2007-04-11
Lonely Soul
I'm alone in the world
I have no one to care
I need a shoulder to cry one
But no one is there
I'm empty inside
I feel hollow and cold
Because I have no one
I'm just a lonely soul
I wish I was numb
The feelings need to fade away
Wrap me in darkness
So I don't have to face the day
I'm forever a lonely soul
I have no one to hold me near
I'm damned to spend eternity alone
No one to comfort me and quiet my fears
Brittany Gingrich 2003
Obeyed
2007-04-11
Obeyed
I sliced myself open
With a rusty blade
He whispered a suggestion
And I obeyed
Watching my blood
Spill onto my flesh
I queitly, willingly
Hasten my death
Soon I'll have freedom
From all the pain
Soon I'll no longer
Bear all this shame
Brittany Gingrich 2003
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