[The Brit's Blog]
My autobiography ( a work in progress)I feel..
2007-11-29
at 12:49 am i feel...
lonely
like i'm losing hope
Alone
almost inspired
somewhat unwanted
confused
like maybe just the touch of a fingertip may make me feel better
yet i'm on the computer and he's playing video games. and i don't want to force him, because i'll still feel unwanted. I hate that i feel like this. i wish things would just fall into place for me at least just once in my life. i've had a very difficult time. i've had to fight to stay sane. and moral. to not let myself become completely degraded. and i've had to build wall after wall. and then i had to tear them all down when i thought it was safe. just to build a new wall. or maybe not walls. more like ditches and i've been using trench warfare to recede from the enemy instead of advancing. i dunno. stupid metaphore from a stupid girl. i just wish i could just be happy for awhile without having to work so damn hard to get there. i dunno. i just.... i dunno.
Moving... again
2007-11-29
so the plan was that i was going to move in with my mom, but apparently plans are made to be changed. I'm living with chris and brandon now. might as well i'm here all the time anyway and it'll only be until the end of January. that's when the lease is up. we're all supposed to get apartments. chris and i will share with jenny and seth. and brandon and tana will get an apartment. we're all looking saturday. oh, we're also getting a tree saturday. and decorating for christmas. so fun. yay. i have a feeling this christmas is going to be better than any before. yay.poor chris
2007-11-26
i stayed the night with chris again. after he left for work this morning i had a dream that he called me when he got to work to tell me he had hurt his back and had to go to the hospital. we were trying to figure out a way for me to get to meet him at the hospital so i could me there with him. but i don't have a car and no one could pick me up. that was the whole dream.i woke up at about 7:40 and went to the bathroom. then i went back to sleep and had a weird dream about birth control and mexican poverty in Augusta,Ga. i dunno. i finally got up at about 11 o'clock. 30 minutes later chris walked in the door. i asked him why he was home so early. i figured they got rained out but he told me that on the way to work he hurt his back and had to go to the hospital. he apparently coughed really hard and ripped a muscle in his back and bruised a rib. he's got pain pills, antibiotics,and cough suppressant. so he's all drugged up and goofy right now. now the fact that i dreamed about what was going on even though i consciously had no friggin clue is weird enough. but chris tried to call me but my phone was dead. and the time that i had the dream was the same time that he was trying to call me. very weird. but most of all poor chris.
today was fun
2007-11-25
today chris and i slept until after 12. and then got up and went to get something to eat. then came back to his house and watched Meet the Robinson's (good movie) and then watched Cry Baby(strange but also good movie) then brandon and tana got home and the newest memeber of the group, seth, came over and we went and looked at a house for us all to move into together. (also jenny, but she was a work so she couldn't come. ) and the house is beautiful. it's new. and it's in the perfect for everyone. i loved it. we working out how to get it. wish us luck.late happy thanksgiving
2007-11-23
 | Happy Thanksgiving So to everyone, Happy Thanksgiving!! My grandma has a tradition of each year at Thanksgiving we go around the table and say what we are most thankful for. This year I actually felt thankful for more than just making it another year and good food. This year I'm thankful for my family, because gradually it's becoming more functional. I'm thankful for the friends who are there when i need them and put up with my drama and complaints. and who put up with all of my quirks. I'm thankful for the friends that appreciate that i've always been there when i could and will always be there when i can. those who know that i am loyal and loving and in it for the long haul. I'm really thankful for Chris, my fiance. He has put up with a whole hell of alot. and he still loves me to this day. it's amazing. he has made sacrifices and i'm very thankful for that. i'm still thankful for making it another year although this year wasn't nearly as difficult as previous years. and i am definitly still thankful for good food. i know this post is a little late but it still holds the same meaning so i went ahead and posted it. and to everyone who reads this, when you have the time, maybe you should think about all the things you have to be thankful for. |
UGA vs. UK 24 to 13
2007-11-19
One of my best friends birthday is today. This past weekend to celebrate her boyfriend bought tickets to the UGA vs. UK game. He bought eight tickets. two were for me and chris. the seats were all the way at the top of Sanford Stadium and that was alot of stairs. I didn't realize it last time I went to Athens, but it's all uphill. and I'm so not used to that. where i live it's a little hilly but barely. anyway. i really enjoyed going to a college football game. afterward we met up with some of my freind's friends who go to school at UGA and we all hung out. we went to dinner at a restaurant called loco's. it was good. basically the whole time we had fun. and no arguments at all between anyone. and UGA won. which was great. so that was my weekend.
la la la di di da
2007-11-15
so last night chris and i had a good talk. and we both feel better. and it's great. so... i'm supposed to be living with my family now. but i have spent more time over here at the guys place. but i'm glad. i think my mom's going through early menopause. my aunt and grandmother both did. and she's going crazy. like crazier than usual. so that's partly why i'm here instead of there. this is my haven from the demon mother. lol. her best friend told her she needed to go to a doctor, but she's very bull-headed. so she hasn't yet. and i doubt she will. she has not been to crazy about doctor's lately. trying to be natural as possible. but she's 35 and already showing signs of menopause. i think she needs to at least go to see if it's anything serious. she really does. but i can't talk to her... like i said she's crazier than usual. and usually it's hard to talk to her.the newest news
2007-11-14
okay so the short version is...
my mom is going off the deep end.
chris and i are doing well now.
i keep having dreams about being pregnant. some of them i find out i'm pregnant. and some i have a miscarriage. some i have the baby. but all of them i wind up feeling alone even though there are people are around. they just aren't listening.
that's all the major stuph!!
second guessing
2007-11-08
so chris and i moved in together in june and now i'm living with my mom as of halloween. and he is living with one of our hifriends.
but anyway. for the past couple of weeks, i have really been second guessing everything. about me and him. especially the him part. he is lazy and disrespectful to me about half the time. and when i get upset he says he's just joking and i shouldn't be getting so upset. i just... it really bothers me. and i don't want to talk to anyone about it. i've become such a coward. i just shut up and leave him alone when he gets mad at me.
i always dreamed that i would love someone who thought women were a gift from God. and treat me that way. and i always wanted a protector. but he's not like that. he used to be. now he's telling me to leave him alone and i aggrevate him and i'm lazy and moody and crazy and whatever else he can come up with to point out what's wrong with me. and it's really hurting me. but i just play along and tell everyone that we're are doing great. and... i don't have anyone to cry to. i want this to stop. when we started dating a year and a half ago, he was prayer answered. and now... he's becoming all the things i didn't want. and i feel like i've made him this way. that it's my fault. i did make a mistake over a year ago. but that's all and he told me he forgave me and was over it. but tonight he was looking through my cell phone to see who i had called and who called me. but if i even pick up his mail i get bitched at for being to nosey. wtf? but maybe he's just stressed out and i'm being to hard. i just can't help but wonder if he's fixing to break my heart in a big way.
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